The One Where I Explain Things

Yes. It's true. There is a baby growing inside of me. Third times the charm and three years too. We've struggled to have kids, not as much as other couples I assure you, but this is HUGE news to us. A GIANT miracle in a tiny form. We have a unique story, just as everyone does, but I have felt compelled to share mine. So, here it goes. Please be respectful, it's extremely personal and difficult for me, but I have felt a need to share it.

When we were married in July of 2009, we knew there was a chance that we could never have children. Adam had gone through chemotherapy when he was 19 for an autoimmune disorder called Wegner's disease, which had violently attacked his lungs and kidneys. The average time frame was almost up that it would take for him to be fertile again (4-5 years) by the time we got married, but we both had a strong feeling to NOT go on birth control. There were so many people who thought it was a big mistake, and I heard it all. But I could not deny that overwhelming feeling to not do it and not to worry. I'm not going to lie, I was scared to death, but I put my faith in the Lord and did it. People were betting on how long it would take for us to get pregnant (how everyone found out, I have no clue, and it quite frankly was none of their dang business!) With every passing month, things stayed the same, no baby, just us. For the first nine months, we weren't too worried. I didn't feel ready to have a kid, and neither of us were really ready, and in a lot of cases it takes people that long anyway. A little after a year of being married, we were really wanting to start a little family with mini-us's running around. We buckled down and looked into our options. After a year of not using birth control, you are technically considered "infertile" if you are not getting pregnant. That technical word being attached to us was hard. Yes, we were both still young and "still had time" (I can't tell you how many times I heard that), but thinking of facing this world without the ability to have children is devastating. We knew the reason why, but we didn't know how long, or if we would ever be able to have our own. After our two year anniversary, we started looking into our options. All were crazy expensive, (I mean, sell your left kidney, and maybe a leg too) and if we were to do either invitro, adoption, surrogate, or whatever, we would have to wait until we had lots of money, which wouldn't be until after Adam graduated and got a job. That could be up to 8 years! Things were looking grim. Friends were getting pregnant, and I was getting a little bitter. Our only option was to turn to the Lord.

In October 2011, we asked Grandpa Wing to give Adam a priesthood blessing. He was kind and gave a heartfelt, meaningful blessing promising that our desires would be given within a matter of days. Needless to say, there were lots of tears, and a lighter spring in our step. It was only a few days after the blessing, that we got a positive pregnancy test. We were absolutely ecstatic! We fell in love with the little being immediately. By the end of the week, I went into my drawing class and lost it. It was all a blur, but I felt lost and desperate. How could this happen to us? We had struggled to even get pregnant, and now Heavenly Father was just taking the babies away? I locked myself away for a couple of days, too ashamed and afraid to face anyone. It took a while, but I slowly recovered.

It took us 6 more months before anything else happened. I was about to go in to get checked (Adam had been recently checked and things were looking as close to normal as ever, but we weren't getting pregnant) when I had another positive pregnancy test. Once again, I fell in love immediately with the child and felt an instant, even stronger connection than I did with the one before. I had my appointment set up for 9 weeks and everything was looking great. I wasn't nauseous, I was just super tired all the time. We went in, explained our situation, and we were able to get an ultrasound. We were anxious and nervous, but excited too. They took us into a dark room, they placed that cold jelly on my belly,  and took a look inside. We gasped when we saw the little creature growing inside me, and smiled. Just a few moments later the technician turned to us and said, "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat." Adam hung his head, and I broke into tears. We tried to keep it together as she measured the little thing inside me that hadn't made it past six weeks and when the doctor came in and said some things, but I don't remember it all. Everything was a blur. All I wanted to do was run out of there but they kept talking to me. What were they saying? I didn't understand. If everything was going to be okay, why was I going through so much pain just to do what the Lord has asked us to do? Why would He put me through the pain of infertility and miscarrying? What did I do wrong to deserve this? I was doing everything I could to be a good person, but apparently I was doing something wrong. I blamed myself. I shut myself off once again, this time with even greater vengeance and depression. Not only was I living the second miscarriage, but all the pain from the first weighed on me.

It took an extra week for the baby to pass from my body. It was emotionally and physically painful. In that week's time, I had a nurse ask if there was a mistake, and after going back in to get some blood work done, and getting my hopes up all over again, things were confirmed, that it was, in fact, a failed pregnancy, and everything was doomed.


I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't exist.

I needed to run away.


I didn't want to see anyone that had known me when I was pregnant. I wanted fresh faces who wouldn't be able to see the pain and heartache that I was trying so hard to hide. Adam and I even talked about just going, but instead, we settled with just planning a trip in August to Disneyland. It helped me look forward to something, but I needed more. I decided to literally run away from my problems and began training for a half marathon. That became my focus and it kept me going.

Now, here's a confession. The depression got so bad, I lost my mind a little bit. I became crazy, but also bitter and angry. I sat Adam down and even talked about leaving the church. There was a Jekyll version of me and there was a Hyde version of me, and Hyde was winning.

I've always told myself that I would do whatever I needed to do to have children. I would always be shocked when people would say that because of their weight (skinny or obese) they couldn't have children. It was something that they could get help for and solve very easily, why wouldn't they do it? I felt the same about my mental health. There was no way that I could get pregnant being as insane as I was, so I got a therapist. She was so kind and helped me find ways to gain control over my feelings, as well as helped me realize that I was normal and it was okay to grieve. We decided to stop trying for a while, until I felt ready.

Two months. That's all it took. Two months after my second miscarriage I surprisingly got pregnant again. I'll admit it. I cried when I found out. I still didn't feel ready and I didn't know what to do. How would I tell Adam? How would he react? If he started jumping up and down, I didn't think I could take it, but I swallowed my fear and told him anyway. He reacted perfect. We were both excited but so scared to relive what we had. I still didn't feel ready, and we were both going through the healing process. I felt better immediately after I talked to him. This time we approached with caution. We still fell instantly in love, but we were both hesitant. This time things were looking better. I was nauseous all  the time, but I was loving it. That's a good sign right? (The first time I threw up I cheered and even called my mom to share my excitement.)

When our nine week appointment came up, my palms were sweaty, my blood pressure was high, and we were both pale as ghosts. It was a different doctor but he was so helpful and understanding. They took us back to that same dark room with the same monitor and the same jelly (this time it was warm). It didn't take long for them to find the heartbeat. It was a high one too, which is great news. Everything looked wonderful and the doctor told us that the likelihood of us miscarrying at this point was very slim. We were still cautious to announce it to everyone, but on Sunday, my friend let me borrow her Fetal doppler and we heard the strong heartbeat again. Everything is looking great at this point and we are officially 12 weeks and 3 days along. It's still surreal and it hasn't quite hit us yet. We are still anxious, but less so than we were before.

The reason I am sharing this story is because of three reasons.
1. Sometimes, to learn to swim, we are pushed into the pool without the instructor in there with us. It's terrifying, but the instructor is still there, giving us instructions and waiting for our questions. There was a point I lost faith, and I was clinging onto the thin strings of my past testimony just to get me through. I could not have done this without my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, nor without my kind, caring husband. It took me a while, but I learned to swim. I'm still not great at it, but I'm getting there. Things will work out. Everyone's story is different, but just trust that Spirit that is begging you to listen. The moment we got married and I told Heavenly Father, "Okay, it's up to you now" was the moment my life was no longer mine to control (with having children that is). I just forgot. Don't forget. You are loved. It's okay to be sad and angry, it's okay to question and to be upset, but do not forget that He has not forgotten you. I don't know what else He has in store for me, Adam, and our little baby, but I am so grateful for every step of the journey. I am so grateful for the exhaustion, the nausea, the crazy mood swings, the expanding belly and addition of belly fat, and all the odds and ends of my pregnancy.
2. Please be considerate of others. It hurt so much when people would ask if we had kids or when we would have kids by complete strangers. I wasn't as hurt when my friends asked, but please do not be quick to judge others, you have no clue what they are going through. I was asked by a therapist at my work what I had done wrong, and it hurt. I didn't do anything wrong, this kind of thing just sometimes happens. Also, be cautious of what you say to friends who are going through similar things. Here  is a wonderful article on how to help your friends and loved ones. Please read it. I am not the only one who has gone through something like this, and compared to some, I have had it easy.
3. I wanted to let whoever was, is, or is about to go through struggles to know they are not alone. I still struggle with feeling alone because no one talks about it. So here is me talking about it, and I am not alone.

We are so excited to start this chapter of our journey and we hope you will join us in our excitement! We hope to keep you updated on the blog and we hope you'll follow.

Here's an almost unrecognizable ultrasound picture at 9 weeks.